Good, Good Monsanto!

You see . . . I think all our food should come from Monsanto. They are wise and good and smart, and anyone who says different is just dumb. They take what Nature gives us, flawed and imperfect and susceptible to bugs, and they make it bet

ter! They change it at its very core. Monsanto plants make their own bug spray, right in the heart of their own cells. That way, not only does Monsanto food kill anything that eats it, but rainwater run-off that passes through Monsanto fields rids the streams of troublesome fish. Don’t worry–one day Monsanto will put Monsanto fish in those streams. Better fish with knives for scales so they can kill any mean old birds that try to eat them. Top that, Nature! And when you eat that Monsanto food, all that pesticide in the food goes right into your body. Some say it causes cancer, but I think it means you’ll never have to worry about corn bugs eating you. Hell, I’ve even heard soon they’ll make corn that, if it’s dry, can just uproot itself and walk down to ye old watering hole and give itself a big ol’ drink. Now I call that a Monsanto Miracle!

So, I think all our food should come through Monsanto. They’re very nice people who just want what’s best for us, and if occasionally they bribe a judge into throwing someone in jail for drinking raw milk–well, that’s just so he doesn’t set a bad example and not eat Monsanto food. And if they sue a farmer out of business here and there because unwanted pollen from their crops blew into the farmer’s field, and the farmer won’t pay them for it–well, they’re just letting us all know that way that it is safest and best to eat Monsanto food. I believe in Monsanto food! In fact, I believe in it so much that I think Monsanto ought to be encouraged to build castles and store all the food in it–just like feudal barons did in the Middle Ages before human rights. That way, when people are hungry, they’ll know where to go, and they’ll know better than to challenge Monsanto’s authority. It’s never good to challenge authority. Those in authority just want what’s best for you. So, stop thinking for yourself, put aside that nasty organic food–you don’t know what’s in it, raise your right hand straight and give Monsanto a big ol’ Nazi-style thumbs-up! “Hail, Monsanto!”

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