In Breaking News . . .

In breaking news, wolves take red necks off the endangered species list. Season opens tomorrow.

Says Grrr, spokeswolf for the wolves: “There have been far too many red necks running around here. They seriously hurt national beer stockpiles and they’re constantly harassing porn magazines for sex. The beat their wives. Alcohol is their main food group. Christ, they’re dumber than rocks! Our scientists aren’t even sure if they’re life forms. We’re pretty sure eating them isn’t cruelty because they’re usually too drunk to feel pain.”

Grrr states red neck season opens at dawn tomorrow, and there is no bag limit. He does warn his fellow wolves not to eat too many red necks at once because their blood-beer ratio can cause intoxication. Says Dr. Chomp, wolf scientist and expert on red necks: “Wolves, know your red necks before you eat them, and don’t take any chances. They’re usually fat, intoxicated and spend a perverse amount of time watching pro-wrestling. Many taste like ignorance and an oil change. Remember, if you’re red neck smells bad, it probably is.” Chomp, however, hates waste and suggests that rather than just tossing aside inedible red necks, “Throw the carcasses in the back of a truck, puff out your gut real fat like, and take a picture. I understand it is one of their rituals, and it can’t hurt to treat them like they deserve.”

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